Heh.

My grandparents arrived from Singapore last Wednesday.

Had a bit of a chat to gramps today and he rummaged around in his bag passing me a much crumpled piece of writing which was covered in red ink.

It was a piece of mandarin essay work that I had written when I was 16 years old. Geezus. That was 6 years ago. Gramps is a scholar in classical mandarin and who had grilled me in the language despite my pathetic propensity for the said language and in which I saw no value in my early teenage years. He said to me then that he'd kept that piece for a really long time...which he must have and asked me to read it to see if I still understood it.

I scanned through it and understood most of it. But wow.

All that time ago.

I feel quite the twinge of regret though. I wish I could have put in more effort then, I never saw the point of it for the future, but I guess I see it now. And I wish I could have treasured those years more, instead of constantly fighting him, minus all those tempestuous arguments of : Why? What for?

Curiosity and Depravity

Watched Zodiac (movie) last saturday night.

Movie went perhaps more than a tad too long, is based on the murders and the investigation in the serial murderer who went by the self-titled tag: Zodiac. The Zodiac committed murders from 1968 into the early 1970s and was never charged or found guilty.

A couple of things struck me as I was walking home. I was trying to reason out, and justify why Jake Gyllenhaal's (Graysmith) character staked his life, the plausbility of his family's lives, his career, his relationship with his wife and family, to not only assauge his curiosity as to who the Zodiac was but also to ensure that the 'truth' was told, that people would know this very 'truth' and the identity of the killer, despite no official charges being brought against him.

There was no tangible benefit, such as cash, reward, recognition (which i admit he did receive much later), but during a stage of his life when it was incredibly unccertain he would be even published, his family and matrimonial relations, job were at stake..he still went ahead, driven by this force to KNOW.

So then, if humans are animals...do animals really risk everything, their lives, their potential to procreate and pass on life in order to assuage curiosity, especially for something so intangible and non-concrete? Ok, i understand the point when animals may smell track spoor, investigate human scent and traps, and hell even the dumber or even the more unlucky animals may become trapped through sheer curiosity, but those are still concrete and tangible things.

The Zodiac himself was noted to be teacher who had been charged with paedophilia. Was accused of homosexuality by a journalist who had simply written it in an article to be sensationalist but received death threats as a result. Obviously, it was a sore spot for the Zodiac and he saw it as a severe insult. What is it about being accused of homosexuality that was/is so offensive...I suppose the insult to his masculinity, his omnipotence in his ability to wield life and death with his victims, his sense of power.

And the thing with depravity? The depravity to be inclined to touch little boys and girls, to seek pleasure with animals(beastiality) and the pre-pubescent(paedophilia), to develop fetishes that far traverses the spectrum of what is normal, quirky, deviant, into the depraved. To desire sex, blood and pain and perhaps desire sex with the dead (necrophilia).

I can see one idea linking all of these: Power.

There is the shift, the attainment of power, the cycle of the desire for it, achieving it, the relinquishment or transcience and then sooner or later, the line is pushed. Power in its varying forms and expressions becomes sought after. Deviancy wanders into the realm of the depraved.

The flip side of normal.

And the coin becomes melted, or the sides being rubbed into obscurity. What is the norm, what is normal then?

And why is it that in most profiles of the most notorious murderers, serial rapists, etc...all had some kind of 'c0-deviancy'? Is that simply another way to master power, power seeking becoming more deviant...more 'creative'? I think deviant and creative could almost be the same thing in this sense.

Sorry. Just ranting.

Random thoughts

I have alot of love for my friends.

Was sitting next to one of my best friends a little while ago listening intently to a guest speaker who had travelled a long way to be there and it was obvious everyone present really respected him. The thing was, I had a great deal of difficulty to remain still and I was afflicted with the most inane desire to laugh. Laugh, bubble and boil and spurt over.

Not hysterically, just laughter, great chortling gasps. This was triggered by my friend's constantly rumbling stomache and whom i knew hadnt eaten the entire day. I had been attempting to feed her an omelette (which her mom had made for us within the span of time it took us to walk in the door, change our shoes and walk back out the door. I mean 'walk', in the relative sense...perhaps try: scramblerundashscrabble) in the car while she'd sped and cut around corners at breakneck speed in order to make the talks on time.

I remember really wanting to reach over, kiss her hair and cheeks and just wrap her up really close and laughing...while i was at it.

It's interesting. There have been times in the last 3 years when i have been incredibly upset, disturbed, unbalanced despite perhaps not showing it to most people. She was/is one of those few individuals I was simply happy being around with, it was soothing just to be around her and nothing more was needed.

Ok. so nothing lesbian about this. Though it has been said that I have tendencies. *chortle

Fretful

It's 1.32am. It's pitch black outside, at least from my window, looking out. And all i can hear is the humming from my computer's harddrive.

And all i can do, is fret.

I've been fretting all night, feeling incredibly anxious. Displaced. Like I was never meant to be here, supposed to be somewhere else, but its more frustrating because I dont know where the fuck it is I'm meant to be, or I'd like to be.

Ok wait. I actually do know, where I'd like to be. But I wonder if I actually did get there, I'd be any happier.

So perhaps, it's the hormones. It's the day. It's how the day and my mood has swung.

At 5.34pm. I had been sitting on a smoothened rock face, battered and smoothed over by countless of waves over time, I know not , how long. I had been there, relishing the sensation of legs being immersed in this crisp water. So clear, I could see tiny shells floating underneath.

It was incredible. It was great. Yet I kept continually feeling I wasn't really there, wasn't meant to be. There's somewhere else.

Where, and what the fuck is it.

fragments of self-realisation (5)

I came across this quote by Barry Lopez, whilst looking for quotes for topic discussion at one of the meetings we hold on campus. The topic was on 'Ethics'.

I found this to be incredibly valid, perhaps more so for me, on a very personal note and it took me a few moments to reflect on this.

" How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual's life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such a paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once, life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

Decadence (1) on a personal note/ fragments of self-realisation (4)

I don't ever, EVER want to take for granted what I have, the people around me, the things in my life, things I have achieved, however insignificant they might seem at times.

I don't ever, want to be lulled into a false sense of security, of an inane belief, illusion, that I can be bored, apathetic, indifferent to life and all that it has to offer.

I don't ever, want to be someone who cannot appreciate, or value seemingly small things. Beauty in all its forms and expressions, acts of charity and selflessness on a small or large scale, every day that I take that walk up the road and it's great weather and I can move, seamlessly. Every taste, sound, texture, smell, touch, colour, everything that I see and I love,

I don't fucking ever, want to take for granted.

There's way too many people who do this already and gripe, oh. how boring reality is. or life is. Expand your scope people! There is SO much to do, so much to live for. So very many things that can be done for others, don't sit there and bitch that everything is for naught, or parrot: what is the point? what can one do in the face of mass tragedy, overwhelming odds, despair, hunger, poverty, insanity and irrationalism? The negativity, the self-defeatism, you've gone nowhere without having really even started. Have your ideals, self-assess constantly, examine all that you have enacted and of what you might choose, but do so constructively!

-lol. On that note. I did wake up this morning ridiculously happy. Ever had that? Very rare. I woke up with a smile plastered on my face and giggled. Somewhat moronically, but everything I've just splattered, definitely hold true.

Meanwhile, I do need to follow up on quite a few things that I need to blurt. Comprehensively of course. Till then. Soon-ish-ly.

Time to meet people and get ridiculously drunk, on life.

"Love" Part 1. I must say, I am not Immune.

I was sitting having lunch with a couple of friends yesterday and the topic of "Love" and "God" came up within this conversation which went for about three hours.

These are people I really respect, genuinely like and think the world of. Alot of good intentions, positive energy and willingness to work through anything in order to be CONSTRUCTIVE. It's incredible to hear of some of the work they are planning to do and the very practical, pragmatic measures of utilising talent and resources in order to do so. Bleeding hearts and simpering overdone pretensions, I cannot deal with, but constructivity, even idealism harnessed with pragmatism is hugely commendable. Such a rare, rare combination.

It was interesting though, when I pointed out that their thoughts on Love was automatically linked to God on a subconscious, intrinsic level. I don't mean a Judeo-Christian "God", or any particular named "God" in a specific sense. I supposed then that this was an example as to how deeply entrenched what we've been exposed to, brought up with is within how we think, how we express ourselves and is reinforced by the people we surround ourselves by. This is considering I wasn't surprised by the responses and how similar they were, united by having grown up together, by the same religion, background, thus ideals and goals. Goals and Ideals, which I personally endorse, which are incredibly noble. But the question did arise, how much of what one believes is truly what one's own and not compounded or influenced by others? How much of what we think we are, what we like, what we think is truly an expression of self?

Some may answer that this is an impossible task to differentiate and that everything that we are has been and will be influenced, shaped and touched by others. Perhaps, the people who do so, are the ones that we selectively choose, based on what we already know, are comfortable with, or are willing to accomodate and consider within our foundations.

I've observed often before that to most people in society, the two main organising principles in people's lives are "Love" and "Religion". In a simplified sense, most people will have defined, structured and shaped their lives so that it becomes organised by either of these two 'principles' as I've dubbed them. Just looking at the concept of "Love" in our society and I venture to ask if this is the western concept of love that has evolved from one of mutual cooperation, stability, class-matching, physical and chronological age compatibility, etc...---> to an ideology of 'risk-taking', a sense of sinfulness, lust, excitement, mystery. One could say this was the "in love" phase, what then happens after? Is this why, when the airy fairy dust has settled and been swept away, relationships and marriages fail in this society, compounded by the sheer availability of people, of the relative ease of easily found physical comfort and intimacy, of the channels of constant available communication? How does one commit in the face of all these distractions?

I was listening to this the other day on my Ipod and I caught myself humming along and then I paused, literally in my tracks to listen to the lyrics.

It's a very catchy tune and it made me happy humming along. But I realised something about the lyrics. (LOL and yes, I have stooped to be one of those people who paste lyrics all over their blog. lol. ) I found that this apparently simple song, is actually very...simple. lol. but implicitly reinforces the concept of modern love as one of 'risk-taking' and fucking encourages it, 'gamble everything for love'...'and you'll be alright'? I think not. Ok, you'll be ok in the long run unless one really doesnt have the capacity to take the hit and move on from there and would wallow instead. There's this myth about : "Love", with the focus on romantic love, there's almost the Petrarchan take on it. Gamble, risk, lose EVERYTHING and it's going to be alright?

It's incredible how quite a few people take this literally, spending their turbulent pubescent years fantasizing, mooning over beautiful people, idolized, idealised, perhaps projected onto posters, magazines, hell , even porno. Going out with real people later, shedding some of these idealised, rose-tinted perceptions. There's this constant cycle of searching, finding, then disappointment and discontentment, discarding or being rejected. Then the cycle begins once more. I find many, many people define their lives in this manner. Career, goals, dreams, friends, family even sometimes secondary. Perhaps this is a massive generalisation, but basically my point is that I am appalled just how much this myth of what 'love' is has been so entrenched in how people behave and suffer as a result. It is a very voluntary and complicit deception.

--> Will continue with the other organising principle: "Religion", later.

Gamble Everything For Love LyricsArtist(Band):Ben Lee

Gamble everything for love, gamble everything

Put it in a place you keep what you need

You can gamble everything for love if you’re free

You gotta gamble everything for love

Baby are ya cold, are ya cold baby

I could wrap you up, wrap you up in my love

If you wanna, you can gamble everything for love

If you wanna, you can gamble everything for love.

Tell me are you feeling lost, have you crossed

In the places that you never knew to get through

Tell me are you gonna cry all night

Tell me the truth, and I’ll tell you the truthIf you gamble everything for love

You gonna be alright, alright

Make a list of things you need, leave it empty

Except for number one, write “love”, gamble everything

Keep it under lock and keyIf you wanna, you can gamble everything for love

Love me with an open heart tell me anything

We can find a place to start to gamble everything

We can set this thing apart, cos we’re gonna, gonna

Gamble everything for loveTell me do you lose your way each day

Are there people you don’t recognise, do they lie?

Tell me does it make you feel too real?

Tell me the truth, and I’ll tell you the truth

If you gamble everything for love

You gonna be alright, alright

Oooh you can go your own way,

Oooh you can go your own way,Oooh you gotta go your own way

If you gamble everything for loveIf you gamble everything for love

Gamble everything for love, gamble everything

Put it in a place you keep what you need

You can gamble everything for love if you’re free

You gotta gamble everything for love

Tell me are you gettin’ hurt, is it worth it?

Tell me are the people strange, do they change?

Tell me are you letting go, do you know?

I’ll Tell you the truth, if you tell me the truth

If you gamble everything for loveIf you gamble everything for love

If you gamble everything for love

You gonna be alright, alrightAlright.