fragments of self-realisation (3)

Today, was one of those days that I dont think I quite got through.

I havent been as mortally embarrassed as I was, in a very long time. I realise now, more than ever that I am a creature of preparation. And always needing some form of prior warning, some preconceived expectation or basically some defenses set in place.

I also re-realise the temptation to push people away, to keep them at arms length, to smile that it is all ok, but it really isn't. It's taken me a really long time to allow people into my life, even now, it's a constant struggle. There was always this temptation to sever things, to ensure things never proceeded, which is the reason why I often never finished what I started in terms of friendships, or relationships.

I am also incredibly incredibly shit at verbalising how I feel. My tendency is to freeze into place, or slam up this front of invulnerable iciness. And everything becomes numbed and I cease to feel anything, or care for anything. Sometimes, I succeed, I was alot more successful at it before. But I met people along the way and I realised that there really is alot more to life, so many people that have come to mean a great deal to me and me to them, to not care, to ever simply escape and create that rift of apathy, would and always be a grave mistake on my part.