Myths (1)

Everytime I fill up a survey or a form, there is always invariably this question, either phrased this way or that: 'Sex: m/f' or 'Gender:m/f'

Each time, I'm struck by how gender and sex is used so interchangeably by people, without any question ever crossing their mind. I've always seen 'sex' as the technical anatomical denominator and 'gender' as the social, behavioural, psychological expression (ie: 'masculine' and 'feminine'.)

Again, when the terms 'masculine' and 'feminine' are used, they strike me as classifications which house a variety of descriptors and expected behavioural characteristics. More interestingly, how feminine attributes (gender) to a male (sex), is termed 'effeminate'.

I savour this word. effeminate.

tomboy. staunch. boyish.

fairy. girly. sissy. apron-clinger.

Interesting how all these derogatory terms involve aspects of what is expectedly feminine and masculine and how they cross over for either sex.

Gender is incredibly fluid, just looking at how words are structured in descriptions, behaviour, actions.

Clarity

I've realised something.

I haven't been thinking very much for a while now. There has been less self-introspection and I've often very consciously redirected or corrected my thought processes once I notice them going in a certain direction.

I haven't been thinking clearly, clarity has been very much so not of priority. Yet, bizarrely, I don't think I've ever acted or made decisions so concisely, or clearly before.

I do promise though, to myself at least, to explore further. To poke a little further. There is much to discuss.

On greatness

I've always felt that in order to be truly great, is to go where no one has been before. Or to see things with a completely fresh perspective, that may be considered alien by others. Greatness can often seem incredibly cold, unknown, calculating, assessing and veryvery inhuman. I think the balance is needed, not to forget the point of greatness, which is to better humankind, in whichever sphere or domain ie: music, art, writing, peace, relations, politics, economy, science...etc.

In saying that, I'm sure there will be people who would argue with me on the point of refining talent, achieving greatness, accomplishing great acts. The point I raise though is, despite how some people may say that they do things for themselves, we still perform, create, enact for self-validation through others. What is the point of it all, if there is no one who can appreciate, or pretend to appreciate? Be it now, later, post-humously?

I think it's neccessary to be incredibly alone, to be lonely to reach greatness. To be willing to cut off all human connection for a while, to traverse the depths of self. To explore the psyche, to be incredibly narcisstic, self-obsessed and preoccupied. To be severely introspective and then to direct that very same scope towards the outside world and then to create and recreate.

Again, other questions arises: How is greatness measured, who does the measuring, who agrees to this measured 'quality' or 'quantity', what dictates greatness, how does one dictate such?

It might even be neccessary to be cruel, to be kind. Can any price be worth achieving greatness, be it that perceived by others, one individual or self?

I've read somewhere that true greatness is never recognised within its time. It is always beyond the scope and capacity of society to accept or understand such and will almost always be appreciated post-humously or muchmuch later. Should 'greatness' be received and appreciated within its time, it is no true greatness, but rather one of commonplace convenience.

On being great though, loneliness becomes self-fulfilling. It is no longer a state of mind that needs to be strived for.

fragments of self-realisation (3)

Today, was one of those days that I dont think I quite got through.

I havent been as mortally embarrassed as I was, in a very long time. I realise now, more than ever that I am a creature of preparation. And always needing some form of prior warning, some preconceived expectation or basically some defenses set in place.

I also re-realise the temptation to push people away, to keep them at arms length, to smile that it is all ok, but it really isn't. It's taken me a really long time to allow people into my life, even now, it's a constant struggle. There was always this temptation to sever things, to ensure things never proceeded, which is the reason why I often never finished what I started in terms of friendships, or relationships.

I am also incredibly incredibly shit at verbalising how I feel. My tendency is to freeze into place, or slam up this front of invulnerable iciness. And everything becomes numbed and I cease to feel anything, or care for anything. Sometimes, I succeed, I was alot more successful at it before. But I met people along the way and I realised that there really is alot more to life, so many people that have come to mean a great deal to me and me to them, to not care, to ever simply escape and create that rift of apathy, would and always be a grave mistake on my part.

Completely Unhinged

"The Conservative Voice contrasted the Virginia Tech massacre with the Appalachian School of Law shooting in 2002, when a disgruntled student killed three students before he was subdued[102] by two other students with personal firearms they had retrieved from their vehicles, declaring that "All the school shootings that have ended abruptly in the last ten years were stopped because a law-abiding citizen—a potential victim—had a gun."[103]


"The Washington Post asked if the tragedy would have occurred if Virginia law did not prohibit the carrying of lawfully concealed weapons on college campuses."[104]


"Virginia Governor Tim Kaine condemned this debate, saying it was "loathsome" that "People who want to take this within 24 hours of the event and use it as a political hobbyhorse." Kaine said on April 17, 2007: "To those who want to make this into some sort of crusade, I say take this elsewhere."[105]


---> I read this today in the library and cracked up.

Who needs comedy when there's real life comedians who not only really take themselves way too seriously, don't know how funny they are in a tragically ridiculous way and just how veryveryvery little they make sense. The sheer illogic and irrationality stumps me. But I laugh still, somewhat painfully--and hysterically.

At night when dancing

Artifice is beautiful at night, in these metropolitan streets, spotted with sidebars and clubs, the air pulses as you pass them by. The body moves, the hips gyrate to the beat and limbs twitch ecstatically to dance.

Music is meant to be the language here in these places but somehow along the way, it has receded into the background, loud but still shoved to the sidelines. It is essential, but music is not the currency or the objective, the prize money is in the exchange of speculative, assessing, side-glances and of lazy but expectant smiles.

Artifice is precious here in these places of false lights, crowds and sticky alcohol laden floors. The flooring is one huge drunk tongue, soaking up human sweat, tasting the moist air between legs and of dancing soles.

All that glitters is gold.

The currency is artifice, the product purchased isn’t just sex anymore, it is the possibility and the titillation of it all. The look, assessment and smile which never quite reaches the eyes.

Body and face are put on display in animation, half in light, cast in shadow. These mannequins on unique shelves, translated onto dance floor and bar stools, constantly moving, slinking and shifting. Each is cast solitary or meshed with another but never truly alone.

Or are they really?

Artifice is in the makeup, harsh and stark in sunlight, but rendered attractive here, unbalanced but shadowy, a touch mysterious and beautiful. It is in the movement, the posturing and posing, the caricatured grace.

Au naturel is not kindly treated here. It looks muddy, especially at the edges, faded and inconspicuous, hardly worthy of notice beside Artifice. True daylight has no place in these places of false moving lights and of flashing disco red and green.

Artifice is nocturnal queen in these metropolitan streets, her mannequins come alive, graceful, sexy and lustful, yet oddly disjointed and displaced. The paradox enhances her power, as nothing is real, nothing is true in what is said or done in these places. Perhaps the music remains the one true language, but is ignored but danced to, shoved to the sidelines, showing its frustration and impatience in its beat.

Traumatised and Venting

Exam was traumatic.

QN :when is oxyen unloading highest:

a) CO2 retention
b)fever
c)1,2,3 deoxygenase
d)fuck you too.
e)I want tom gwinn to burn.

Another: Draw flow volume loop charts of COPD patients at maximal voluntary ventilation, maximal work rate, rest, at steady state exercise.

Answer: Oh seriously, this is why the spirometry machine was invented you asshole! It does the loops for you!

Another: If person' burns 1kg of fat in 6 hours, how long will it take to burn 20kg when patient is 60years old, and is walking at 4.5km/h and Vo2 is at 1L/min.

Answer: you dick head.

Another: Ventilatory Ratio: VE/VO, is higher in prone swimming as opposed to running?

Answer:...