I used to wish that I had the power to read people's minds.
I believed it would make my life alot easier, and probably other people's lives as well, if I could read what they wanted or did not want and could therefore accomodate or compromise.
I no longer have this wish.
I think of it with horror. I don't think I would like to tap into what msot people think about. I see the ruts people are in, that many many people operate on a very basic level -however camouflaged- of their very basic physical wants.
Food. Fuck. Procreate. Drink. Pleasure.
Consume. Possess. Destroy. Life.
I realise that those words could be classified under each other in contexts of very similar degrees. Ie:
Pleasure = Fuck.
Drink
Food
Consume
Destroy
Procreate
Life = Food
Procreate
Destroy (irony. may need to destroy to survive)
Consume
Possess
Consume= Destroy
Possess
Food
Drink
Fuck
I think infinitely tragic that if the only significant thing that a person can create is through procreation. Only creation is procreation?
Am rambling. Fuccck.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Anger
Today, I was helping my mother down the escalators while she had bandage strips across her eyes after her eye laser surgery.
On seeing there were 3 steps to the first actual step, I counted audibly : "1, 2,3..."
Two men had come up from behind us trying to get on the escalators and stood here, edging forward with mocking expressions, one laughed and actually repeated my counting " 1,2,3... " and laughed.
There were no trains to be rushed for at the platforms that the escalators were going to reach, we weren't impeding them from moving down on the right side. But yet, they stood close, edging forward with mocking smiles.
These weren't young boys, or teenagers. They were men. One perhaps in his early 20s, another in his 30s.
I stopped and looked at them and said to them : " DO you realise that she cannot see?"
One changed his expression, looked away and moved down away from us hurriedly on the right, his face suddenly determinedly blank. The younger looked at me briefly and said : "Yeah, I know." He quickly moved down after the other man.
Leaving me still at the top of escalators looking down at their receding backs, shoulders hunched forward as thought trying to get away from me, increasing the physical distance between us.
I am left with this inordinate desire to shriek after them, scream, yell. Knock them senseless, render them a physical state that they are already in such a mental and emotional one. Stand there, no longer mindful of so called dignity, composure, self-assurance.
Infuriated at their senselessness, mockery and anger, oh so much anger, at being so blatantly futile and impotent.
You dumb bloody fucks.
--->
There is more anger. Anger directed inward, at myself, that I should still be angry, so angry even now , several hours later that I am willing to blog this online catharticly (I should hope).
--->
Why is it that contrived actual comedy is rarely funny, incongruousness (in all aspects of life be it; politics, religion and family...etc) occasionally funnybut yet, the tragic and vulnerable - funniest?
On seeing there were 3 steps to the first actual step, I counted audibly : "1, 2,3..."
Two men had come up from behind us trying to get on the escalators and stood here, edging forward with mocking expressions, one laughed and actually repeated my counting " 1,2,3... " and laughed.
There were no trains to be rushed for at the platforms that the escalators were going to reach, we weren't impeding them from moving down on the right side. But yet, they stood close, edging forward with mocking smiles.
These weren't young boys, or teenagers. They were men. One perhaps in his early 20s, another in his 30s.
I stopped and looked at them and said to them : " DO you realise that she cannot see?"
One changed his expression, looked away and moved down away from us hurriedly on the right, his face suddenly determinedly blank. The younger looked at me briefly and said : "Yeah, I know." He quickly moved down after the other man.
Leaving me still at the top of escalators looking down at their receding backs, shoulders hunched forward as thought trying to get away from me, increasing the physical distance between us.
I am left with this inordinate desire to shriek after them, scream, yell. Knock them senseless, render them a physical state that they are already in such a mental and emotional one. Stand there, no longer mindful of so called dignity, composure, self-assurance.
Infuriated at their senselessness, mockery and anger, oh so much anger, at being so blatantly futile and impotent.
You dumb bloody fucks.
--->
There is more anger. Anger directed inward, at myself, that I should still be angry, so angry even now , several hours later that I am willing to blog this online catharticly (I should hope).
--->
Why is it that contrived actual comedy is rarely funny, incongruousness (in all aspects of life be it; politics, religion and family...etc) occasionally funnybut yet, the tragic and vulnerable - funniest?
Disoriented
I keep seeing people as bundles of walking genes and energy producing cells these past two days.
It's highly disturbing for me.
Bit depressing as well.
---
So much of what we are, in our capacity for beauty, health, intelligence is so dependent on what our genes have to offer, what selection of genes we have collected from what was ''available" at the time of the gene pooling/conception.
I am plagued by this thought that people's lives are pretty much determined from the time of conception through to birth and to death. Hah. It's paralleling (in reverse) that running belief that everyone's life is 'preordained/predetermined' according to some divine purpose. I argue on a different premise, but same outcome.
Yes, I realise how much environment and other factors have in terms of influence. But you cannot deny just how much genes make such a difference.
The often spouted phrases of roughly similar content: " Do your best. You can only do very best. Be the very best that you can be." -->incredibly limited. Self-defeating, self-deceiving, despite its original purpose to be encouraging, sustaining or confidence boosting.
NO! I feel otherwise! Yet, how can there be another way , it is true that a person can only seek to fulfill his full capacity (however aware or unaware he/she may be of this). If they do not have the capacity, healthwise, intellectual, emotional, social, financial capacity ---> what else can they do but try?
Choose our partners wisely?
There is that implicit warning and false confidence that 1) we have such a choice that anyone we 'choose' would accept us likewise. 2) That all the knowledge would be made available for such a choice to be made 3) Knowledge present would be sufficient for such appropriate wisdom?
What an illusion. What a joke.
---
I have thoughts like this when someone says to me : " Good luck" or "Do your best" and I feel that twinge of self-mockery sometime when I myself wish such to others.
Good Luck??? Wtf is that?
Ok, I can accept that most general sayings are meant to fill in the 'gaps' that communication between people is susceptible to. Social sayings, 'niceties' meant to switch off the conversation, divert the topic or close it. Of 'trying' somewhat to the benefit of another person without really trying at all. It serves to comfort the person in question, ourselves, give false reassurance which perhaps could serve inturn as a placebo confidence booster. Hell, perhaps the person might even do well for it. I don't know.
Sure, we mean it at times, with absolute sincerity and genuinue concern. But we also realise (well I do anyways) the sheer impotence of such sayings. --> Unless the placebo confidence boostering effect worked. LOL!
Feeling very nihilistic.
I have to fight my own inner demons.
It's highly disturbing for me.
Bit depressing as well.
---
So much of what we are, in our capacity for beauty, health, intelligence is so dependent on what our genes have to offer, what selection of genes we have collected from what was ''available" at the time of the gene pooling/conception.
I am plagued by this thought that people's lives are pretty much determined from the time of conception through to birth and to death. Hah. It's paralleling (in reverse) that running belief that everyone's life is 'preordained/predetermined' according to some divine purpose. I argue on a different premise, but same outcome.
Yes, I realise how much environment and other factors have in terms of influence. But you cannot deny just how much genes make such a difference.
The often spouted phrases of roughly similar content: " Do your best. You can only do very best. Be the very best that you can be." -->incredibly limited. Self-defeating, self-deceiving, despite its original purpose to be encouraging, sustaining or confidence boosting.
NO! I feel otherwise! Yet, how can there be another way , it is true that a person can only seek to fulfill his full capacity (however aware or unaware he/she may be of this). If they do not have the capacity, healthwise, intellectual, emotional, social, financial capacity ---> what else can they do but try?
Choose our partners wisely?
There is that implicit warning and false confidence that 1) we have such a choice that anyone we 'choose' would accept us likewise. 2) That all the knowledge would be made available for such a choice to be made 3) Knowledge present would be sufficient for such appropriate wisdom?
What an illusion. What a joke.
---
I have thoughts like this when someone says to me : " Good luck" or "Do your best" and I feel that twinge of self-mockery sometime when I myself wish such to others.
Good Luck??? Wtf is that?
Ok, I can accept that most general sayings are meant to fill in the 'gaps' that communication between people is susceptible to. Social sayings, 'niceties' meant to switch off the conversation, divert the topic or close it. Of 'trying' somewhat to the benefit of another person without really trying at all. It serves to comfort the person in question, ourselves, give false reassurance which perhaps could serve inturn as a placebo confidence booster. Hell, perhaps the person might even do well for it. I don't know.
Sure, we mean it at times, with absolute sincerity and genuinue concern. But we also realise (well I do anyways) the sheer impotence of such sayings. --> Unless the placebo confidence boostering effect worked. LOL!
Feeling very nihilistic.
I have to fight my own inner demons.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Shrug your shoulders!
I admire competence. Of any type, be it in the supposed lowly level of the toilet cleaner, bricklayer, bus/train driver to the retail assistant, desk-bound-paper-pusher, the lawyer, doctor etc...it goes on.
Competence and efficiency. Definitely admirable traits when utilised and demonstrated in no matter how minute or seemingly inconsequential tasks. There are the perfectionists who will persist until their task is achieved, and yet may not still have fulfillment since perfection is not (if ever) attainable. I must add though that the perfectionist who cannot adapt to changes or cannot accept some form of versatility while retaining the most fundamental values will be inevitably doomed. I say this with irony because I realise that the ideal of 'perfection'', in whatever expression or form can be considered a value in itself. heh.
How often have I been waiting for trains on the platform, having timed my arrival to Point B from Point A based on the specific times that the train is meant to have arrived and left, only to be disappointed and left fuming. That delay of 10minutes can make a bloody big difference to me ---> brush teeth, quick shower, hell, even floss my teeth when doing all three at once. -grin-
Been reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Love the title, think it veryvery apt. There is a very short passage in the book which lets you understand the origins of this title and how fundamentally paralleling it is to the main themes of the book. I'll find the page if anyone should choose to ask for it.
Do not allow your virtues to be your weighted guilt, to be used as weapons by others. Do not be Atlas who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders when he should not have to. Be a god and walk over the world instead, the world is your oyster- depending on your step length though :) (heh. your step-length limited by your natural ability and effort and drive).
Shrug your shoulders people. Funny how the action of 'shrugging' usually connotates casualness or indifference or ineffectuality. In this case --> shrugging off useless weight literally.
Hah. irony. I see irony all the time. Life is pretty damn funny.
I think everyone should strive to be the best they can be, to your limits and best natural ability. But be respected for it, however 'limited' this may be, comparatively to others.
So, kudos to you public toilet cleaner who refills the paper holder, empties the bins of much suspect tissues; condoms; pads and syringes, wipes down the toilet seats and mops up the footprinted toilet floors. Kudos to you when Í'm taking that much needed shit and reach for the toilet paper and bless you for it.
And sincerely meant too.
Competence and efficiency. Definitely admirable traits when utilised and demonstrated in no matter how minute or seemingly inconsequential tasks. There are the perfectionists who will persist until their task is achieved, and yet may not still have fulfillment since perfection is not (if ever) attainable. I must add though that the perfectionist who cannot adapt to changes or cannot accept some form of versatility while retaining the most fundamental values will be inevitably doomed. I say this with irony because I realise that the ideal of 'perfection'', in whatever expression or form can be considered a value in itself. heh.
How often have I been waiting for trains on the platform, having timed my arrival to Point B from Point A based on the specific times that the train is meant to have arrived and left, only to be disappointed and left fuming. That delay of 10minutes can make a bloody big difference to me ---> brush teeth, quick shower, hell, even floss my teeth when doing all three at once. -grin-
Been reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Love the title, think it veryvery apt. There is a very short passage in the book which lets you understand the origins of this title and how fundamentally paralleling it is to the main themes of the book. I'll find the page if anyone should choose to ask for it.
Do not allow your virtues to be your weighted guilt, to be used as weapons by others. Do not be Atlas who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders when he should not have to. Be a god and walk over the world instead, the world is your oyster- depending on your step length though :) (heh. your step-length limited by your natural ability and effort and drive).
Shrug your shoulders people. Funny how the action of 'shrugging' usually connotates casualness or indifference or ineffectuality. In this case --> shrugging off useless weight literally.
Hah. irony. I see irony all the time. Life is pretty damn funny.
I think everyone should strive to be the best they can be, to your limits and best natural ability. But be respected for it, however 'limited' this may be, comparatively to others.
So, kudos to you public toilet cleaner who refills the paper holder, empties the bins of much suspect tissues; condoms; pads and syringes, wipes down the toilet seats and mops up the footprinted toilet floors. Kudos to you when Í'm taking that much needed shit and reach for the toilet paper and bless you for it.
And sincerely meant too.
It's been a while...
Really doesnt make very much of a difference since I'm not really writing for anyone, or for that many people to view at all.
Been hectically busy and been a little despondent when faced with the task of committing thoughts to words on the screen. I realise just how much effort, not really physical...rather-emotional/mental effort is involved, sifting through the mush and churning tumoil of consciousness and then rearranging, choosing the medium, form, language, tense and wording them to understandable forms following the language rules which bind such.
Been often plagued recently with this sense that words are completely ineffective, insufficient and very often incoherent. Anyone agree?
Just a bit of personal information. Been working two jobs, one with a Physiotherapy practice, another a retail job in cosmetics with one of the cosmetic company houses. Yes-- I am a cosmetic girl. And yes, I can actually think and communicate myself beyond the intellectual spectrum from Cleo to Madison. I say this tongue-in-cheek, the people I work with really aren't that dumb at all, because that's the usual stance that people take when on realising they person they are speaking to, doesn't quite fit the norm or stereotype. Yeah well, get over it and move on. Incorporate another piece of information, however oddly shaped to your perspective. I'm more inclined to say that most customers can be blatantly stupid. Infuriatingly so, very often beyond comprehension that one has to question whether they are deliberately persisting in their stupidity and following questions/statements, ie:
1) Does Sunscreen cause Cancer?
Ans: No, it doesn't. Infact, it has been inequivocably been proven to grant protection FROM sun-causing melanomas/cancers.
1ii) But...I'm sure it does. I READ it SOMEWHERE that it causes cancer. It SAID so.
Ans: Where did you read this?
1iii) In a fashion magazine...
Ans: ... I've already granted you the decency and time to give an actual serious answer. Please go and fuck yourself now.
2) I want a cream to bleach my skin. Preferably if it has lead in it.
Ans: Choke. (Refer to historical advances when knowledge was found that hypothetically, it was possible the Roman empire failed due to mass accumulated lead poisonings due to lead lining of wine casks by the wine-makers. Refer as well to the lead-laden makeup in the early times of Geishas in Japan. And the accumulated skin deformities that became a consequence as these Geishas grew older, occupational hazard! Refer also the many unexplained non-violent deaths of sailors who'd set out on long expeditions only to be found adrift, all dead, untouched, with the cabins filled with food. Lead had lined all these tins!) And here was this profoundly touched idiot!
Bit more personal information, studying to become a Physiotherapist in Sydney Australia. I love what I'm doing...but I think for the moment, i can forsee a time when I definitely will want something more challenging. Will probably, more than likely go into further study, not research though, hell no. Been working with patients and observing the principal Physio over the last couple of months, which has been a definite eye-opener for me. Will relate patient stories as I go on at some point...
ok. On to other things. Next post.
Been hectically busy and been a little despondent when faced with the task of committing thoughts to words on the screen. I realise just how much effort, not really physical...rather-emotional/mental effort is involved, sifting through the mush and churning tumoil of consciousness and then rearranging, choosing the medium, form, language, tense and wording them to understandable forms following the language rules which bind such.
Been often plagued recently with this sense that words are completely ineffective, insufficient and very often incoherent. Anyone agree?
Just a bit of personal information. Been working two jobs, one with a Physiotherapy practice, another a retail job in cosmetics with one of the cosmetic company houses. Yes-- I am a cosmetic girl. And yes, I can actually think and communicate myself beyond the intellectual spectrum from Cleo to Madison. I say this tongue-in-cheek, the people I work with really aren't that dumb at all, because that's the usual stance that people take when on realising they person they are speaking to, doesn't quite fit the norm or stereotype. Yeah well, get over it and move on. Incorporate another piece of information, however oddly shaped to your perspective. I'm more inclined to say that most customers can be blatantly stupid. Infuriatingly so, very often beyond comprehension that one has to question whether they are deliberately persisting in their stupidity and following questions/statements, ie:
1) Does Sunscreen cause Cancer?
Ans: No, it doesn't. Infact, it has been inequivocably been proven to grant protection FROM sun-causing melanomas/cancers.
1ii) But...I'm sure it does. I READ it SOMEWHERE that it causes cancer. It SAID so.
Ans: Where did you read this?
1iii) In a fashion magazine...
Ans: ... I've already granted you the decency and time to give an actual serious answer. Please go and fuck yourself now.
2) I want a cream to bleach my skin. Preferably if it has lead in it.
Ans: Choke. (Refer to historical advances when knowledge was found that hypothetically, it was possible the Roman empire failed due to mass accumulated lead poisonings due to lead lining of wine casks by the wine-makers. Refer as well to the lead-laden makeup in the early times of Geishas in Japan. And the accumulated skin deformities that became a consequence as these Geishas grew older, occupational hazard! Refer also the many unexplained non-violent deaths of sailors who'd set out on long expeditions only to be found adrift, all dead, untouched, with the cabins filled with food. Lead had lined all these tins!) And here was this profoundly touched idiot!
Bit more personal information, studying to become a Physiotherapist in Sydney Australia. I love what I'm doing...but I think for the moment, i can forsee a time when I definitely will want something more challenging. Will probably, more than likely go into further study, not research though, hell no. Been working with patients and observing the principal Physio over the last couple of months, which has been a definite eye-opener for me. Will relate patient stories as I go on at some point...
ok. On to other things. Next post.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Random thoughts
Tori Amos is coming to Sydney in September.
Cannot wait.
This woman, i think kept me going through my angstiest, angriest years as a teenager. Incredible voice, often heart-rending, perculiar but personal lyrics left open to interpretation...you never really know whether you've quite figured it out even after the 18th time you might have heard a song from her.
But oh so identifiable especially when in my teens...
Girl--
"And in the doorway
They stay and laugh
As violins fill with water
Screams from the bluebells
Can't make them go away
Well I'm not seventeen
But I've cuts on my knees
Falling down
As the winter takes one more cherry tree
Rushin' rivers thread so thin limitation
Dreams with the flying pigs turbid blue
And the drugstores too safeIn their coats
Anda in their do'sYeah smother in our hearts
A pillow to my dots
One day maybe
One day
One day she'll be her own"
I kinda see her as the Madonna of confessional alternative-piano-pop-rock. If there is such a thing, she's definitely it.
----
I need to sit down and write. Write properly. For myself, figure out things. Submit things. Create things. Just create and think for myself, for more clarity. I also understand the danger in that...in thinking, overthinking and never quite achieving. But the journey is on.
I cannot wait exams are over.
Cannot wait.
This woman, i think kept me going through my angstiest, angriest years as a teenager. Incredible voice, often heart-rending, perculiar but personal lyrics left open to interpretation...you never really know whether you've quite figured it out even after the 18th time you might have heard a song from her.
But oh so identifiable especially when in my teens...
Girl--
"And in the doorway
They stay and laugh
As violins fill with water
Screams from the bluebells
Can't make them go away
Well I'm not seventeen
But I've cuts on my knees
Falling down
As the winter takes one more cherry tree
Rushin' rivers thread so thin limitation
Dreams with the flying pigs turbid blue
And the drugstores too safeIn their coats
Anda in their do'sYeah smother in our hearts
A pillow to my dots
One day maybe
One day
One day she'll be her own"
I kinda see her as the Madonna of confessional alternative-piano-pop-rock. If there is such a thing, she's definitely it.
----
I need to sit down and write. Write properly. For myself, figure out things. Submit things. Create things. Just create and think for myself, for more clarity. I also understand the danger in that...in thinking, overthinking and never quite achieving. But the journey is on.
I cannot wait exams are over.
---
What is it about our puny short lives. We struggle so hard to live and then to live well and then to live at all...the whole time, we are struggling all the way to our old age and deaths. Even in death, we struggle, 'death throes'. We struggle so much...so much does seem futile. So much to learn, to accomplish, to see, to meet, to know, to create...to help...
So much futility. I cannot help but once in a while in wallow in this sense of listlessness. If, despite a lifetime of work to creating and helping...how does one ensure that there will be others to take up the baton, to keep your work going? None. There is no guarrantee there is even less surety when you place trust in people. We are so short lived and vulnerable and intrinsically so flawed.
Choices
I was thinking about this today. About how each individual chooses to lead their life. How, in the everyday, seemingly small and trivial choices, how we think, our values and belief systems guide us in this.
ie:
1) Take person who believes in Karma and gives up his or her seat for the old granny despite having had no sleep or is aching all over. It is very tempting to reassure oneself that good things come to those who do good and shrug away the sacrific, however small it is.
2) Little boy or girl puts his 50cent pocket money into the homeless guy's cardboard box and feels bigger, puffed out, that they'd done something good. And the benign parent beaming on who says, :"good boy, god will bless you."
3)People who do things that they don't really instinctively like but still do, for the sake of 'moral', 'duty'...'moral duty'. Because despite doing this instinctively unpleasant thing, God or whatever divine being will bless them. This really pains me.
4)The taken for granted assumption that blatantly religious individuals, ie: muslims, christians,buddhists,taoists,jews,bahais...etc will have understandable moral codes. I think this is ultimately what is comforting for most people. That people know or more easily have a grasp/gist of what another person will be like, in their behaviours, their choice making...christians may automatically feel comfortable with another christian because they know they both believe in the same holy book, the same god, the same commandments. (I am speaking in generalisations here)- but this general comfort factor lies in also the easier identification process with others, of say...the same race, culture, gender, age...etc.
5)People who aren't religious. are more suspicious. lol. I say this jokingly. More that, their moral codes, their belief systems are not so simple. They may be the complete opposite of a religious moral coding (which is highly unlikely) but they are more un-knowable. Religious people are suspicious of such, of someone who would casually but quite seriously say: "I don't believe in God".
6)Non-religious people. Perhaps Atheists themselves, if should choose to be moral. Aren't they more moral then, for the very principles that morality stand for and because they exercise 'free will', to enforce choices...more ethical, more just? Should then, there be a God...should he not appreciate more so the intellect and choices such people make regardless of his rules, instead of following just because "he told us " in this tome of holy words of so much controversy...transcribed so many thousand years ago?
Is the concept of Karma...and perhaps also by implication, the idea of religious moral coding and God, Judgement day...so bad if it keeps people who arent inclined to be moral or good and more 'base'...to rein themselves in? Would they be far worse, if without such possibility of divine justice hanging over their heads?
We see alot of shit happening in our world, in the name of blind faith, religious fundamentalism, blatant ignorance and arrogance and the brazen use of idealogies to champion filth, degradation and violence...but could it be much worse?
I don't like this idea, any more, nor do than I approve of this...but can this be what is keeping people in check?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)